Sorry for the rudimentary drawing. Best I could do as a left hander. |
1. Spiders...
big, small, medium, I don’t give a shit. You got eight legs. I want you to die.
I am totally freaked out by them. I’m pretty sure that I’m going to die by a
spider bite while I’m sleeping. They are literally going to all gang up and
murder me. On the other hand, they could possibly be waiting for me while I’m
about to get in the shower and jump on me. That way when I fall and break my
neck no one will ever know it was the spiders. Funny thing is, I do love
watching shows about spiders and other creepy bugs (Monster Bug Wars). I guess I have to know thy
enemy.
2. End of
the earth by the sun dying/exploding. Yeah, I know this one is far out. I watch
all these damn discovery/nature shows that tell me one day very far off (like
millions of years) the sun is going to die. Apparently, our sun will start
expanding hundreds of thousands of times larger than it already is, first
scorching our planet, and then swallowing it up. I promise you I’ll be dead by the
time this happens. Unless vampires come to rescue me from death.
3. Door
handles. They are freakin gross. Think about it the next time you go to open a
public door. How many times has that been touched by all sort of people? Did
they just scratch their crotch? How about pick boogies out of their nose? Then
they touched the door handle. Yum Yum….Not! The part of this that's not rational is the fact that I touch a million gross things per day, plus chew on my pens, and this is what I worry about.
4. Breathing
in other people’s exhaled air. This is a two-parter. I hate having meetings in
closed rooms. Open that door up and let some fresh air in! You know it’s just a
bunch of people repeating the same shit over and over that could have been better
explained in an email. Ever been in a meeting and the room gets warm? Too much
expelled hot air, i.e. talking.
The second part is breathing in air, mostly
from Ryan while we are sleeping. Since I don’t sleep in bed with anyone else he’s
the only one freaking me out. He’ll face me and he’s like six inches from my
face. He’ll just breathe his hot, hot, hot, breath on me. I’m breathing in his
carbon dioxide! I could get brain damage or wake up stupider because I wasn’t
getting enough oxygen to my brain. If I have a bad day at work, I’m totally
blaming Ryan for stealing my smart air!
5. Falling
down the upper deck of a stadium. I get major vertigo. I practically have to
crawl up the stairs on my hands and knees to get to my seat. It’s quite a
ridiculous sight watching me. I'm fine once I sit down, but getting there is the problem. I blame all my expensive ground level seats on
this fear.
6. Having
all the electric power knocked out by a solar flare. Or a meteor fucking up the
earth bringing us back to the middle ages. Again, this is quite silly. However,
on those damn discovery/science shows they always say how it’s been so long since
the earth has experienced anything like that. But scientists are quick to say that
earth is due for something catastrophic. That doesn’t really freak me out, but
I’m not a farmer. I barely made it through the summer with my tomatoes. How
will I last if I don’t know how to farm?!? I’m an extremely bad shot with a
gun, so killing things is also out of the picture.
7. Scary
movies. When I was a kid, I used to be able to watch tons of B-horror films,
Freddy Kruger and the like. But as I got older, my ability has decreased
exponentially. I believe the reason is because most of the shit we watch during
these movies can really happen. Literally and truly, happen. Yes, someone is
now perverse enough to hang you on a meat hook from your lats and chop your
body up from the feet up all while keeping you alive. Sorry, if I gave any new
serial killers an idea. I just can’t handle watching shit that people can
really do to me. I’m not black, so I know I wouldn't be the first to die, but I’m
slow, so there would be a lot of screaming from me. Ugh. The horror. The
contrast to this is I do love reading about serial killers and watching those
types of documentary shows on A&E. I think the lack of theatrical music and
the monotone voice of the narrator let me detach from the violence.
So what kinds of things bug you out? Any of the
same things that I have listed? My husband tells me I should stop watching so
much TV.