Potty Rules

I was asked an oddball question after several adult beverages this past weekend about how I decide what public bathroom stall I use. I had such a long explanation; I thought what better way to describe my bodily functions than in a blog!

First off, I have a fear of going to the bathroom in public…period. Toilets in general are much cleaner than cell phones, telephones, and apples from the grocery store. We touch a gross amount of stuff every day, and then we shake hands and don’t see anything wrong with this. In my younger years, I was like a camel, holding my bladder once for 16 hours while I was at Six Flags because I was totally creeped out by the potties. Now that I’m older, my bladder has the functionality of a 60 year old. I have a glass of water. I have to pee.

Scenario #1. You are in a multiple stall bathroom, like the movie theater and there is someone in one stall already, where do you go? Good question. If the bathroom isn’t filled with other pottiers I will certainly NOT pick the bathroom stall next to the one that already has a person in it. I don’t care if this is a golden toilet and there’s a hot guy waiting to wipe my ass for me. In fact, at all costs I always go for the handicapped stall. It’s a bigger bathroom and has more room to maneuver.

Scenario #2. Bathroom with multiple stalls is filled with lots of people. Shit. I just look for the stall that isn’t filled with toilet paper, tinkle on the seat, or poo clogging up the toilet. There is usually squatting involved because I’m afraid. Many times, I will actually try to plug my ears and hum so I don’t hear the other people going to the bathroom. I pretend I’m alone and there’s classical music and a waterfall in the background.

Scenario #3 I’m at work. Ugh….I believe I have the same “schedule” as another woman in the office. We have a two-stall bathroom and I swear every time I go to go, she is also going. I’m constantly running into her or opening the door and bam! there she is washing her hands. I’m sure that she has noticed this as well. We’ve both been working here for over ten years. Do I make small talk? Do I just pretend I don’t see you? Just say hey and look at the floor as I bypass her to the stall? I have pee stage fright, so how am I even going to be able to go while she is just two inches of plywood away? I’ve actually started looking around the corner at her desk to see if she’s there. If not, I’ll wait.

Scenario #4 Bathroom stall lock is broke. I simultaneously hold the door with one hand or foot while squatting. It’s a good exercise for my thighs and balance issues.

Scenario #5 OMG there is no toilet paper in my stall. Why have the Gods cursed me?!? Why didn’t I check before I unzipped my pants? What is wrong with me! ARGH! I’m pretty sure you can hear me swear at this time. If it’s a multiple stall bathroom I will ask to spare a square from anyone. If there’s no one around, I am not below waddling to another stall to get more TP. Yes, my pants will be down and I will be bent over in an odd position. I’m thinking please do not let anyone see me like this.

 

Scenario #6 This part gets a little trickier. And if you don’t want to continue reading, I completely understand. Doing Number 2 in public is a hairy situation to say the least. I personally try to avoid it all costs. AT ALL COSTS. But sometimes it happens. Like when you are shopping or driving. This is serious bad news. I call it shopping shit or driving shit. There you are minding your own business and then WHAM! Rumbles in the bumble or thunder down under. You try desperately to suck it back in, maybe it's just some farts. But you know when you're in the middle of the grocery store you can't just leave your cart and go home. There isn't enough time!


You swiftly speed walk to the nearest stall, hoping that scenarios 1-5 are not occuring. There's nothing worse than doing a Number 2 while there are other people around in the public bathroom.


My recommendation is to flush the toilet immediately that way the noise muffles any bodily sounds. Meanwhile, you pray that the toilet doesn't overflow with no plunger in sight.

Rita's Rules for Driving-NSFW

I am an angry driver. I admit that. I typically drive a little bit over the speed limit. I'm not saying that I drive aggressively, but I get angry in the car at people that are driving like fucking retards. That's right I swore. I'm going to continue to swear throughout the whole post because that's what happens while I'm driving around other drivers. I actually scare my husband with my swearing while driving. I don't understand why it upsets him that I swear so much in the car. I swear in almost every sentence outside of work.

Below is my list of pet peeves, WTF's, and why don't yous, in no particular order.

1. I got this first one from Becky, never pull out in front of or cut someone off if their car is not as nice as yours. Excellent point. I drive a shitty little Saturn. If I pull out in front of a Lexus, do you think they want to slam in the back of my bumper? Fuck no! They know, and I know their car costs a hell of a lot more to fix than mine. But ultimately remember, that you shouldn't ever cut off a Chevy S-10 from 1987. First off, I'll be lucky if the guy even has insurance. Second, that vehicle is probably still made of metal; it will fuck my car up and leave not a scratch on the S-10.

2a. Flicking people off while driving. I'm sort of steering away from this. I used to be a big proponent of flicking someone off after they did something ridiculous and possibly mouth to them that I will kill everyone in their car if I ever see them again. I've been known to slow down and roll my window to scream how much of a dumbass they are. My friend Alisha has told me instead of flicking off someone, that I should give them the "thumbs up". I like that a lot. However, in the course of my road rage I haven't always been able to do that.

The first time I remembered to give the thumbs up to someone, I was so excited. I can't even tell you what it was about. Nevertheless, I distinctly remember rolling down my window, sticking my arm out at the person and giving him the thumbs up, and giving him a great big smile. It was really empowering. Anyone can give you the finger. The finger doesn't even affect me. I laugh in the face of the finger. But a thumbs up really makes me feel like a dumbass. You can also do a thumbs down. I think doing a thumbs up and turning it down just like a Roman would before a death in a gladiator arena is a freakishly awesome move.

2b. I also got this from Becky. No flicking people off within in a five-mile radius of work. You should never shit where you eat. I eat at work, therefore no poop please. What is the worst thing besides an accident? Flicking some doosh bag off because he totally didn't use his turn signal (another pet peeve of mine) and you give him the ol' number one gun salute, only to have him follow you back to your job. Then you have to help him. Doesn't increase your standing of getting a raise.

3. What the fuck is up with peeps not using their turn signals? Yes, I understand that you maybe in the turning lane, but as we all know that does not guarantee that you will turn. Maybe you'll merge back into the straight lane. I don't fucking know! Just use it, cops can pull you over for anything; don't let it be for not using your turn signal. Ask yourself, how hard is it to hit the little lever on your steering wheel? Is it so fucking hard that you may not be able to turn the wheel then? Are you so lazy that you can't expend a little bit of energy to do that? You seem to be able to text with your hands and eat a cheeseburger all while driving, yet you can't seem to use your turn signal. You do not win.

4. For the love of god, please do not use the passing lane on the highway to go exactly 55.5 mph when the person in the slow lane is going 55 mph. If you want me to murder you, keep doing that. Get the fuck over please! Don't you know I need to get to wherever I'm going fast! Fast damn it!

 

 

5. Do not tailgate me. If you ride my ass like a donkey, I promise I will be one of those people in number four. I will purposefully drive like the asshole you are making me be. I will go slow and make sure you cannot pass. EVER. Accordingly, if I'm riding your ass, it means get the fuck out of the way. Literally, I need you to pull over and get the fuck out of my way.

6. Merging. Let's look at the dictionary definition: to combine, blend, or unite gradually so as to blur the individuality or individual identity of: They voted to merge the two branch offices into a single unit.

Do you know how to do that? Because I think 75% of people do not. I drive on two different highways sometimes four times a day going back and forth from work. It never ceases to amaze me at how many people stop at the end of the merge lane. How the fuck are you supposed to merge with traffic if traffic is going 55 and you are going 0.0??? It's called merging for a fucking reason, you blend in with oncoming traffic at the rate of speed the traffic is going.

7. Driving drunk or buzzed driving. Now, I can't come out and actually condone drunk driving. But if you have to do it, make sure you have both hands on the wheel at the 4 and 8 o'clock position of the steering wheel. Ryan's dad taught me that. It totally works. If you have your hand at the top of the wheel and you pass out or sneeze, you are going to swerve or even worse wreck. Then you have to run away from the scene of the accident. Doesn't help with five-o.

8. The best time to drive home after drinking is during the day. You can see the road!! As long as your eyes are open. Not that I've ever done this, but I heard it's so much easier.


OK, I think I have the rules that are most important, with less swearing than I thought I would have to put in the post. Do you have any rules that need to be added?