Potty Rules

I was asked an oddball question after several adult beverages this past weekend about how I decide what public bathroom stall I use. I had such a long explanation; I thought what better way to describe my bodily functions than in a blog!

First off, I have a fear of going to the bathroom in public…period. Toilets in general are much cleaner than cell phones, telephones, and apples from the grocery store. We touch a gross amount of stuff every day, and then we shake hands and don’t see anything wrong with this. In my younger years, I was like a camel, holding my bladder once for 16 hours while I was at Six Flags because I was totally creeped out by the potties. Now that I’m older, my bladder has the functionality of a 60 year old. I have a glass of water. I have to pee.

Scenario #1. You are in a multiple stall bathroom, like the movie theater and there is someone in one stall already, where do you go? Good question. If the bathroom isn’t filled with other pottiers I will certainly NOT pick the bathroom stall next to the one that already has a person in it. I don’t care if this is a golden toilet and there’s a hot guy waiting to wipe my ass for me. In fact, at all costs I always go for the handicapped stall. It’s a bigger bathroom and has more room to maneuver.

Scenario #2. Bathroom with multiple stalls is filled with lots of people. Shit. I just look for the stall that isn’t filled with toilet paper, tinkle on the seat, or poo clogging up the toilet. There is usually squatting involved because I’m afraid. Many times, I will actually try to plug my ears and hum so I don’t hear the other people going to the bathroom. I pretend I’m alone and there’s classical music and a waterfall in the background.

Scenario #3 I’m at work. Ugh….I believe I have the same “schedule” as another woman in the office. We have a two-stall bathroom and I swear every time I go to go, she is also going. I’m constantly running into her or opening the door and bam! there she is washing her hands. I’m sure that she has noticed this as well. We’ve both been working here for over ten years. Do I make small talk? Do I just pretend I don’t see you? Just say hey and look at the floor as I bypass her to the stall? I have pee stage fright, so how am I even going to be able to go while she is just two inches of plywood away? I’ve actually started looking around the corner at her desk to see if she’s there. If not, I’ll wait.

Scenario #4 Bathroom stall lock is broke. I simultaneously hold the door with one hand or foot while squatting. It’s a good exercise for my thighs and balance issues.

Scenario #5 OMG there is no toilet paper in my stall. Why have the Gods cursed me?!? Why didn’t I check before I unzipped my pants? What is wrong with me! ARGH! I’m pretty sure you can hear me swear at this time. If it’s a multiple stall bathroom I will ask to spare a square from anyone. If there’s no one around, I am not below waddling to another stall to get more TP. Yes, my pants will be down and I will be bent over in an odd position. I’m thinking please do not let anyone see me like this.

 

Scenario #6 This part gets a little trickier. And if you don’t want to continue reading, I completely understand. Doing Number 2 in public is a hairy situation to say the least. I personally try to avoid it all costs. AT ALL COSTS. But sometimes it happens. Like when you are shopping or driving. This is serious bad news. I call it shopping shit or driving shit. There you are minding your own business and then WHAM! Rumbles in the bumble or thunder down under. You try desperately to suck it back in, maybe it's just some farts. But you know when you're in the middle of the grocery store you can't just leave your cart and go home. There isn't enough time!


You swiftly speed walk to the nearest stall, hoping that scenarios 1-5 are not occuring. There's nothing worse than doing a Number 2 while there are other people around in the public bathroom.


My recommendation is to flush the toilet immediately that way the noise muffles any bodily sounds. Meanwhile, you pray that the toilet doesn't overflow with no plunger in sight.

What goes on in my brain during the day?-NSFW

If I were an asshole, I would post things all the time on Facebook that just pop up in my head. However, I’m pretty sure that you don’t want to know what is in my head at all times. After typing this all out I realize I really like having off. That's pretty much all I've deduced.

This is what I would post on a normal day if I had free reign and I didn’t think you would block me from verbally vomming on your page.

6:00 OMG Why am I awake?

6:02 OMG Why is that dog crying? (Sophie the asshole) Is it ok to murder dogs? Check with Michael Vick later.

6:03 Feeding the dogs. Why can’t they feed themselves again?

6:08 Fuck it’s dark out, why am I up again? Maybe I should take the day off.

6:09 I must go to the bathroom or there is going to be a puddle.

6:12 Coffee, where is my fucking coffee? If I don’t get some coffee, my head is going to explode.

6:15 Hmmmm…nothing in the fridge. Fuck. Guess I’ll check Facebook.

6:20 Shower time! Holy shit this water is hot.

6:30 OMG what am I going to wear to work? I don’t think I’ve worn this shit this week. I’ll put it on.

6:40 Makeup time. Man, do I ever look tired. Maybe I should take the day off and watch Law and Order.

6:45 I don’t want to leave the house! Why am I not rich? Oh, that’s right, I don’t play the lottery and I married for love. Fuck. Note to self, next marriage will be only for money.

6:50 Getting into my car sucks, it’s still dark out and shit I need gas. Can I make it to work on E? Maybe…..

6:55 I hate touching the gas pump handle. I am positive it was dipped in shit so that I get E. Coli. I’m going to rush to the bathroom to wash my hands. I hate touching that stuff!

7:00-7:15 I hate people. Don’t they know how to fucking drive? For the love of humanity, stop driving 25 mph!

7:15 Awesome I’m at work. I can get a couple of things done before anyone is around.

7:20-7:40 Well, there went me doing extra work. Someone else is here before me and now they are talking my ear off. I don’t come early to chitchat!

7:40-9:00 Maybe I should take the afternoon off. That would be freakin awesome. I love having off. Do I have to pee? Yes, I do.

9:05 I’m listening to an irate woman try to put words in my mouth. I’m starting to get mouthy with her. Must transfer her to someone who makes more money than me.

9:15 Why is this woman still trying to argue with me? Doesn’t she know I don’t give a shit? Of course, no one is around to save me from this phone call. I think I’ll put her on hold.

9:16 Irate woman hangs up, calls back, and refuses to speak to me. Yes! She is finally transferred to someone who makes more money than me.

9:17 Finally, I get to go pee! Yeah. Peeing my pants at work would probably be embarrassing. I have not done that yet. I would put that up with crying at work.

10:00 I think I’ll eat the apple that’s been sitting here on my desk for about three days. Doesn’t taste great, but I keep eating it.

10:50 Lunch in ten minutes, awesome.
10:51 Lunch in nine minutes, awesome.
10:52 Lunch in eight minutes, awesome.
10:53 Lunch in seven minutes, awesome.
10:54 Lunch in six minutes, awesome.
10:55 Lunch in five minutes, awesome.
10:56 Lunch in four minutes, awesome.
10:57 Lunch in three minutes, awesome.
10:58 Lunch in two minutes, awesome.
10:59 Lunch in one minute, awesome.

11:00 OMG it’s freakin time for lunch! I cannot wait to go home and see the babes! Man, I hope Jada didn’t eat Dude.

11:05 People do know how to merge today! It is a fucking miracle.

11:20 Woot, I’m home! Time to see the babes!

11:25 Fuckin neighbor, let’s his dog out so Sophie can try to kill it through fence. Screaming ensues to bring all dogs back in the house before the neighbor's dog dies.

11:26 Eat whatever is available. I have an audience praying for something to drop.

11:40 Pack my shit up and head out the door. Not before putting the asshole back in her cage (Sophie). Maybe I should just call in to work and tell them I’m taking off the rest of the day. I could totally take a nap right now.

11:45 Back in the shit-mobile. I hope this car doesn't crap out on me on the highway.

11:50 OMG! People need to learn how to fuckin merge. I guess I can’t expect greatness all the time. Sigh.

11:55 Does anyone know how to fuckin sing anymore? Why does everyone sound like shit? Man, I’m getting old; time to listen to Opera.

12:00 Pull in to my parking lot. Fuck….I should call in and tell them I’m taking the rest of the day off. I could go to Salvation Army! It’s half price day!

12:05 Walking back in the office to see people waiting to talk to me. Meh….

12:15 Work work work work work work work work. Meh.

1:00 I am still diligently working! Hollah! I’m usually a really good worker in the morning. I must be crazy.

1:30 Do I have to pee again? Maybe, but I’d like to look at myself in the mirror. I’m going to head to the bathroom again. Note to self, drink more water.

1:33 (In the bathroom) I wonder if someone outside the door can hear me pee? Must wash hands to the happy birthday song. Look in the mirror make sure there isn’t anything stuck in my teeth. It’s time to fix my boobs too, gotta make sure they are even.

2:30 Hmmmmm… I could go for an afternoon snack. Let’s look for some change in my purse. Oh, there’s none of course, but there’s a yogurt that I forgot to put in the fridge this morning. I guess that’s going in the trash. Fuck.

3:30 The countdown to leaving begins. Actually, it began at 6:01 this morning.

3:31-3:45 Accidentally, start daydreaming. I imagine that I am rich and I’m telling people to fuck off. Repeatedly.

4:00 I wonder if I should leave work early. I mean it’s a half hour, I could totally go home and hang out with the dogs.

4:05 People are talking to me again about things that I don’t care about!

4:20 Leaving in ten minutes, awesome.
4:21 Leaving in nine minutes, awesome.
4:22 Leaving in eight minutes, awesome.
4:23 Leaving in seven minutes, awesome.
4:24 Leaving in six minutes, awesome.
4:25 Leaving in five minutes, awesome.
4:26 Leaving in four minutes, awesome.
4:27 Leaving in three minutes, awesome.
4:28 Leaving in two minutes, awesome.
4:29 Leaving in one minute, awesome.

4:30 OMG it’s freakin time to leave! I cannot wait to go home and see the babes and Ryan! Man, I hope Jada didn’t eat Dude.

Repeat After Me!

I will go to the gym. I will go to the gym. I will go to the gym. I will go to the gym. I will go to the gym. I will go to the gym.  I will go to the gym. I will go to the gym. I will go to the gym. I will go to the gym. I will go to the gym. I will go to the gym. I will go to the gym. I will go to the gym. I will go to the gym. I will go to the gym. I will go to the gym. I will go to the gym. I will go to the gym. I will go to the gym. I will go to the gym. I will go to the gym. I will go to the gym. I will go to the gym. I will go to the gym.


Repeat as necessary until I actually go to the gym.

I think I like paying for a gym membership. But I'm pretty sure I have lost my ability to drive my car in that general direction.

Is it bad that I know the exact date I stopped really going to the gym? It was June 27, 2010. Now, don't get me wrong, I've stopped and started the gym so many freakin times that I've lost count. But this past time I knew the exact day that I got complacent/lazy/tired/hungry. I was on a roll and figured that roll would just keep going even if I didn't do anything and I ate everything.

For losing weight and being healthy, I have to work out and eat right AT THE SAME TIME. None of this half assed shit other people do. It's most definitely work out AND eat right. It works when I do both at the same time.

Before I continue on, I know I hear peeps in the background saying, but Rita you're pretty/awesome/special. Yes, I agree I am special, awesome, and pretty.  And thank god, I have a good face! Some people will say, I'm happy the way I am, you should be too. I am happy. In fact, I think I'm rad. I just don't feel like shopping at Lane Bryant all the fucking time. Thank you very much.

The previous two years I had my health on my mind. Then it just slipped away in a mouthful of jelly donuts and fried foods. By the way, they were all very tasty.

So last month I meant to go to the gym. Then it was last week, then it was yesterday but we had to grocery shopping. Today is the day. My ass with the zip lining bruises is going to the gym.

I went home for lunch and packed my bag to go to the gym RIGHT AFTER WORK. I'm looking around for my new gym shoes. Where are they? Mind you, I look everywhere in the house except my closet. I'm positive I would not have put them away in my closet. Finally, I am make my way to my closet and they still are not there!

Where could they have gone?!?! Did Ryan hide them so I could feel like a dumbass for not putting them away? Did he hide them so I would just come home and hang out? For your info, he would never do anything like that to sabotage me, it's just me freaking out now about what the hell I did with my shoes. I couldn't possibly have lost the shoes already? I just wore the damn things on Saturday. Did one of the dogs eat my shoes? WHERE ARE MY DAMN SHOES?

Then it dawns on me. (The Ah Hah moment) They are in my car. Coolio right? No, not freaking coolio. My car is in a parking lot in Lancaster because Ryan parked my car there while he drives his work vehicle home. (His car is way more awesomer than mine.)

Shit.

What do I do now? Should I pretend to go to the gym and hang out at Barnes and Nobles? Should I quickly go buy ANOTHER pair of shoes because I am not organized? No and no.

I'm going to wear my beautiful naturally dyed green shoes. Courtesy of mowing the grass. Am I a little embarrassed that I'm wearing my yard sneakers? A little, but repeat after me....I am going to the gym.

Zip Lining

This is my unhappy face

I promised/challenged myself that I would blog everyday for the rest of the month of October. I am only going to be able to do a short one because I have to take a nap before a gathering of friends this evening.

That picture is one that I took of myself right before I did my second to last zip line. That doesn't mean that I did the whole trek, it means that I sucked completely and quit in the middle. Yup, I am a quitter. I say this not proudly, but humbly. The people I was with kept telling I should keep going since I spent $62.00 on this. I frankly told them, I've done worse with more money and I don't care.

By doing what I did today, I can fully rule out several other activities that I will not waste my money on. Skydiving, hang gliding, bungee jumping, para-sailing. Pretty much anything higher than say 25 ft.

Things I will continue to do...Yachting. Drinking on solid land. Roller skating. Hot tubbing. Sitting on a bar stool while my legs do not touch the ground.

I will elaborate more tomorrow with pictures of the horribleness that I took part in. 

Say Whaaaaatt?

I love music. I listen to it all day at work. I cannot actually do a good job unless there's some tunes on in the background. Working out? If there's no music, I might as well not bother, cuz I'm going to suck. I listen to music while mowing the grass, throwing the ball and walking the dogs. I don't listen to music while going Number 2. That requires complete concentration and apparently silence. (Too much info?)

I don't even need to listen to pop, I can do everything except newer country. I love the blues, love rock, and definitely love opera and classical.

That being said, I don't know the words to some of the songs I hear. Sometimes I hum along or just make up some words. If I'm in the car, I'm definitely making the words up. In this blog I will go into songs in which I have no freakin clue as to what they are saying. I guess with the Internet I could look up the lyrics, but I'm too lazy.

Black Crowes- Hard to Handle

.27-.29 I got some more love and a ball in stone?
.39-42 I'm so hard to handle gizz around? What is a gizz around? Is he saying gizzard like a turkey? I have no idea....
1.28-1.30 I'm a man on the O scene? Does he mean the orgasm scene? Cuz I would totally be cool if he was good at that. Not that I want to do him, he's too scraggly for me.

 

Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody   

Now for the record, I do know most of the words. So if you like this song you can just listen to it. But by the time I've gotten to this part of the song I am singing super loud. Really loud.

3.08-3.11 I see a little silloutte of a mad man. Scaddabush Scaddabush will you do the dang dang-o? That can't be right.

3.18-3.24 Gallelo Gallelo figuro? Figuro? Magnificoooooooe?

3.40 -3.50 He spilled life will not let you go!

3.59-4.01 Be elzabut from a devil on a sock eeeeeee...I can't even spell the garble I sing here.(My arms are waving like a lunatic having a seizure at this part.)

Peal Jam- Yellow Ledbetter

.35-.41 Hee haw hee huh on a porche of bedded something. This is one of the worst songs of the unintelligible lyrics. So much when this song comes on Ryan even makes up some random words. If you want to laugh uncontrollably, be in the car with us when this comes on. We don't harmonize.

I'm not even going to list the times where I can't understand what Eddy is singing. I can only actually understand a few words. He might as well be singing in Spanish/Latin/Russian.

Andrea Bocelli - Nessun Dorma 

I don't speak or sing Italian. But I try.

I know there are so many other songs/raps out there that would qualify for this list. What songs do you love or hate that you can't understand? Do you make the words up if you don't know them or just stop singing that part of the song? This inquiring mind needs to know!

Things that freak me out. Irrationally.

Sorry for the rudimentary drawing. Best I could do as a left hander.

1.    Spiders... big, small, medium, I don’t give a shit. You got eight legs. I want you to die. I am totally freaked out by them. I’m pretty sure that I’m going to die by a spider bite while I’m sleeping. They are literally going to all gang up and murder me. On the other hand, they could possibly be waiting for me while I’m about to get in the shower and jump on me. That way when I fall and break my neck no one will ever know it was the spiders. Funny thing is, I do love watching shows about spiders and other creepy bugs (Monster Bug Wars). I guess I have to know thy enemy.

2.    End of the earth by the sun dying/exploding. Yeah, I know this one is far out. I watch all these damn discovery/nature shows that tell me one day very far off (like millions of years) the sun is going to die. Apparently, our sun will start expanding hundreds of thousands of times larger than it already is, first scorching our planet, and then swallowing it up. I promise you I’ll be dead by the time this happens. Unless vampires come to rescue me from death.

3.    Door handles. They are freakin gross. Think about it the next time you go to open a public door. How many times has that been touched by all sort of people? Did they just scratch their crotch? How about pick boogies out of their nose? Then they touched the door handle. Yum Yum….Not! The part of this that's not rational is the fact that I touch a million gross things per day, plus chew on my pens, and this is what I worry about.

4.    Breathing in other people’s exhaled air. This is a two-parter. I hate having meetings in closed rooms. Open that door up and let some fresh air in! You know it’s just a bunch of people repeating the same shit over and over that could have been better explained in an email. Ever been in a meeting and the room gets warm? Too much expelled hot air, i.e. talking.

The second part is breathing in air, mostly from Ryan while we are sleeping. Since I don’t sleep in bed with anyone else he’s the only one freaking me out. He’ll face me and he’s like six inches from my face. He’ll just breathe his hot, hot, hot, breath on me. I’m breathing in his carbon dioxide! I could get brain damage or wake up stupider because I wasn’t getting enough oxygen to my brain. If I have a bad day at work, I’m totally blaming Ryan for stealing my smart air! 

5.    Falling down the upper deck of a stadium. I get major vertigo. I practically have to crawl up the stairs on my hands and knees to get to my seat. It’s quite a ridiculous sight watching me. I'm fine once I sit down, but getting there is the problem. I blame all my expensive ground level seats on this fear.  

6.    Having all the electric power knocked out by a solar flare. Or a meteor fucking up the earth bringing us back to the middle ages. Again, this is quite silly. However, on those damn discovery/science shows they always say how it’s been so long since the earth has experienced anything like that. But scientists are quick to say that earth is due for something catastrophic. That doesn’t really freak me out, but I’m not a farmer. I barely made it through the summer with my tomatoes. How will I last if I don’t know how to farm?!? I’m an extremely bad shot with a gun, so killing things is also out of the picture.

 

7.    Scary movies. When I was a kid, I used to be able to watch tons of B-horror films, Freddy Kruger and the like. But as I got older, my ability has decreased exponentially. I believe the reason is because most of the shit we watch during these movies can really happen. Literally and truly, happen. Yes, someone is now perverse enough to hang you on a meat hook from your lats and chop your body up from the feet up all while keeping you alive. Sorry, if I gave any new serial killers an idea. I just can’t handle watching shit that people can really do to me. I’m not black, so I know I wouldn't be the first to die, but I’m slow, so there would be a lot of screaming from me. Ugh. The horror. The contrast to this is I do love reading about serial killers and watching those types of documentary shows on A&E. I think the lack of theatrical music and the monotone voice of the narrator let me detach from the violence.

So what kinds of things bug you out? Any of the same things that I have listed? My husband tells me I should stop watching so much TV.

 

Things...I like

1. I love my dogs. I got them from the Humane Society. I wouldn’t give them up for the world. Therefore, I would like to request to the TV people that they cannot play any more dog or cat commercials from Sarah McLaughlin. I’ve done my duty. I don’t need to see your commercial without feeling as if I have to run out and adopt 13 more dogs and 10 cats. Thank you.

Sophie, diligently watching me go pee

Jada, very sleepy Jada

2. I like telling baggers or ringer-uppers to have a great day. I don't just say have a good day, but have a great day. I think it makes their day. And most of them are honestly surprised I’m not a total asshole like the rest of the people in line behind me.

3. I really like getting the trash out on time. I know the trash comes Thursday morning. I could certainly put it out the night before, but that would be way too hard. I hear the trash trucks in the morning and totally freak out because WE forgot to put the trash out. If not this week, hopefully I remember for next week.

4. Showing up to work before everyone else. I usually do that most days. But I think it’s great that my coworkers have no idea if I’ve been working hard for a half hour or five minutes.

5. I like having days off work. Isn’t that a given for most people? Totally. But I’ve been at my job for a long time, so I get a lot of time off. I TAKE A LOT OF TIME OFF.

6. I love Adele. I guess you realized that if you paid attention to my other post. I don’t like that the tickets to see her are like $400.00 apiece. Yikes. I didn’t know I had to take out a loan to see the girl perform.

7. Fall. My fav time of year. Nice days and cool nights. Perfect hot tubbing weather. Love the crunching of the leaves as I walk through my neighbors nice pile and fuck it all up.

8. Barry White. And when I say his name even in my head, I try to lower my voice to the level of smoothness he possessed. I think my voice sounds a little like a drag queen when I do this. His songs are sexy time songs. All of them.

9. When I let someone pull out in front of my car and the driver waves to thank me. I don’t care if you totally cut me off within an inch of slamming into my car. Your waving is all the thank you I need. And I appreciate it.

10. Love listening to opera music in my car. I try to sing with it. Which makes me sound like I’m dying a painful death, but it’s fun.

11. I like the silence I get when I tell people my last name over the phone. There’s always a pause or a chuckle. My last name has a part of the body that rhymes with MONER. No one like to say my last name or they will intentionally say it incorrectly after I’ve spelled in out for them. It’s a freaking riot.

P.S.

If you don't know what rhymes with MONER. I can't help you in life.