Friday, November 4, 2011

Potty Rules

I was asked an oddball question after several adult beverages this past weekend about how I decide what public bathroom stall I use. I had such a long explanation; I thought what better way to describe my bodily functions than in a blog!

First off, I have a fear of going to the bathroom in public…period. Toilets in general are much cleaner than cell phones, telephones, and apples from the grocery store. We touch a gross amount of stuff every day, and then we shake hands and don’t see anything wrong with this. In my younger years, I was like a camel, holding my bladder once for 16 hours while I was at Six Flags because I was totally creeped out by the potties. Now that I’m older, my bladder has the functionality of a 60 year old. I have a glass of water. I have to pee.

Scenario #1. You are in a multiple stall bathroom, like the movie theater and there is someone in one stall already, where do you go? Good question. If the bathroom isn’t filled with other pottiers I will certainly NOT pick the bathroom stall next to the one that already has a person in it. I don’t care if this is a golden toilet and there’s a hot guy waiting to wipe my ass for me. In fact, at all costs I always go for the handicapped stall. It’s a bigger bathroom and has more room to maneuver.

Scenario #2. Bathroom with multiple stalls is filled with lots of people. Shit. I just look for the stall that isn’t filled with toilet paper, tinkle on the seat, or poo clogging up the toilet. There is usually squatting involved because I’m afraid. Many times, I will actually try to plug my ears and hum so I don’t hear the other people going to the bathroom. I pretend I’m alone and there’s classical music and a waterfall in the background.

Scenario #3 I’m at work. Ugh….I believe I have the same “schedule” as another woman in the office. We have a two-stall bathroom and I swear every time I go to go, she is also going. I’m constantly running into her or opening the door and bam! there she is washing her hands. I’m sure that she has noticed this as well. We’ve both been working here for over ten years. Do I make small talk? Do I just pretend I don’t see you? Just say hey and look at the floor as I bypass her to the stall? I have pee stage fright, so how am I even going to be able to go while she is just two inches of plywood away? I’ve actually started looking around the corner at her desk to see if she’s there. If not, I’ll wait.

Scenario #4 Bathroom stall lock is broke. I simultaneously hold the door with one hand or foot while squatting. It’s a good exercise for my thighs and balance issues.

Scenario #5 OMG there is no toilet paper in my stall. Why have the Gods cursed me?!? Why didn’t I check before I unzipped my pants? What is wrong with me! ARGH! I’m pretty sure you can hear me swear at this time. If it’s a multiple stall bathroom I will ask to spare a square from anyone. If there’s no one around, I am not below waddling to another stall to get more TP. Yes, my pants will be down and I will be bent over in an odd position. I’m thinking please do not let anyone see me like this.

Scenario #6 This part gets a little trickier. And if you don’t want to continue reading, I completely understand. Doing Number 2 in public is a hairy situation to say the least. I personally try to avoid it all costs. AT ALL COSTS. But sometimes it happens. Like when you are shopping or driving. This is serious bad news. I call it shopping shit or driving shit. There you are minding your own business and then WHAM! Rumbles in the bumble or thunder down under. You try desperately to suck it back in, maybe it's just some farts. But you know when you're in the middle of the grocery store you can't just leave your cart and go home. There isn't enough time!

You swiftly speed walk to the nearest stall, hoping that scenarios 1-5 are not occuring. There's nothing worse than doing a Number 2 while there are other people around in the public bathroom.

My recommendation is to flush the toilet immediately that way the noise muffles any bodily sounds. Meanwhile, you pray that the toilet doesn't overflow with no plunger in sight.


  1. I have a really funny scenario #6 story. Next time I see you, remind me to share. It is super funny!

  2. I'm literally laughing out loud with tears while at work...LOL!!!

  3. My boss said that if you have pee stage freight than to recite your SSN. LOL.

  4. Try working in an office with one stall - that is located directly outside of another person's office AND by the big copy machine. Nightmare.