Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Things that freak me out. Irrationally.

Sorry for the rudimentary drawing. Best I could do as a left hander.

1.    Spiders... big, small, medium, I don’t give a shit. You got eight legs. I want you to die. I am totally freaked out by them. I’m pretty sure that I’m going to die by a spider bite while I’m sleeping. They are literally going to all gang up and murder me. On the other hand, they could possibly be waiting for me while I’m about to get in the shower and jump on me. That way when I fall and break my neck no one will ever know it was the spiders. Funny thing is, I do love watching shows about spiders and other creepy bugs (Monster Bug Wars). I guess I have to know thy enemy.

2.    End of the earth by the sun dying/exploding. Yeah, I know this one is far out. I watch all these damn discovery/nature shows that tell me one day very far off (like millions of years) the sun is going to die. Apparently, our sun will start expanding hundreds of thousands of times larger than it already is, first scorching our planet, and then swallowing it up. I promise you I’ll be dead by the time this happens. Unless vampires come to rescue me from death.

3.    Door handles. They are freakin gross. Think about it the next time you go to open a public door. How many times has that been touched by all sort of people? Did they just scratch their crotch? How about pick boogies out of their nose? Then they touched the door handle. Yum Yum….Not! The part of this that's not rational is the fact that I touch a million gross things per day, plus chew on my pens, and this is what I worry about.

4.    Breathing in other people’s exhaled air. This is a two-parter. I hate having meetings in closed rooms. Open that door up and let some fresh air in! You know it’s just a bunch of people repeating the same shit over and over that could have been better explained in an email. Ever been in a meeting and the room gets warm? Too much expelled hot air, i.e. talking.

The second part is breathing in air, mostly from Ryan while we are sleeping. Since I don’t sleep in bed with anyone else he’s the only one freaking me out. He’ll face me and he’s like six inches from my face. He’ll just breathe his hot, hot, hot, breath on me. I’m breathing in his carbon dioxide! I could get brain damage or wake up stupider because I wasn’t getting enough oxygen to my brain. If I have a bad day at work, I’m totally blaming Ryan for stealing my smart air! 

5.    Falling down the upper deck of a stadium. I get major vertigo. I practically have to crawl up the stairs on my hands and knees to get to my seat. It’s quite a ridiculous sight watching me. I'm fine once I sit down, but getting there is the problem. I blame all my expensive ground level seats on this fear.  

6.    Having all the electric power knocked out by a solar flare. Or a meteor fucking up the earth bringing us back to the middle ages. Again, this is quite silly. However, on those damn discovery/science shows they always say how it’s been so long since the earth has experienced anything like that. But scientists are quick to say that earth is due for something catastrophic. That doesn’t really freak me out, but I’m not a farmer. I barely made it through the summer with my tomatoes. How will I last if I don’t know how to farm?!? I’m an extremely bad shot with a gun, so killing things is also out of the picture.
7.    Scary movies. When I was a kid, I used to be able to watch tons of B-horror films, Freddy Kruger and the like. But as I got older, my ability has decreased exponentially. I believe the reason is because most of the shit we watch during these movies can really happen. Literally and truly, happen. Yes, someone is now perverse enough to hang you on a meat hook from your lats and chop your body up from the feet up all while keeping you alive. Sorry, if I gave any new serial killers an idea. I just can’t handle watching shit that people can really do to me. I’m not black, so I know I wouldn't be the first to die, but I’m slow, so there would be a lot of screaming from me. Ugh. The horror. The contrast to this is I do love reading about serial killers and watching those types of documentary shows on A&E. I think the lack of theatrical music and the monotone voice of the narrator let me detach from the violence.

So what kinds of things bug you out? Any of the same things that I have listed? My husband tells me I should stop watching so much TV.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Steals and Deals

Yesterday’s trip to the Salvation Army (Camp Hill, PA) was fruitful, but not for shirts and pants. Typically, I never find shoes that I like there. This time was the exception.

My search for shirts proved to be disastrous. Either all the shirts that were too large or I picked out things that I had no business trying on. It’s never a good thing when you try to put something on and your head and one arm gets stuck. My eyes were definitely were not working. LOL

I ended up flailing around with my arms waving about like an idiot. I’m pretty sure that I was muttering swear words. It’s never good when you hear fabric rip. Thank god, they don’t have cameras in the changing rooms. I’m pretty sure I would have won money from America’s Funniest Home Videos. Ugh! If you could pictures a Tyrannosaurus Rex trying on tiny midget clothes, that's what I looked like. I think I was also making RAWR sounds too.

So let’s talk about my shoes that I got. Here’s the thing whether you like it or not fall is upon us. Get ready for the temperature to go down. (Yes!) But what does that mean? That means I can stop shaving my legs so much, and I don’t have to have my toes painted every second of the day.

I actually hate having my feet covered, but if I have to have my toes locked up and under wraps, then I guess I can do it in these shoes.
$7.99 are you out of your mind? Yes, yes I am.

Yes, I had to have the pirate flag as the back drop.

$5.99 still had original tags on it.
Dr. Scholl's

 Both shoes are genuine leather. Score for me. Usually I don't buy leather, my dogs like it too much.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Friday Night Delight

Friday night was a such a blast. Ryan and I met up with our friend's Steph and Brett to eat at MoMo's BBQ & Grill and listen to Nate Myers & the Aces. MoMo's is in Harrisburg on Market Street. I didn't realize they have a blues night every Friday. Nate Myers is a awesome bluesy band. It's been years since I seen them play live. But I tracked them down and they were great!

When we arrived at MoMo's, the staff greeted us and led us to a table. I turned around and saw a HUGE wall full of the different kinds of beer they serve. At that time angels and lights from heaven were shining down on me. Ryan and I quickly started looking over the book they gave us. He got a chocolate stout, I got some monster size beer. It was very good.

Really nice size bar and lots of big TVs

No matter what the size, it's still only one beer

Ryan the hubby
When Steph and Brett arrived we ordered appetizers. We each got an order of chicken and pulled pork BBQ quesadillas. Man....they were supreme. I could have just ate them the rest of the night. We each order a half rack baby ribs and sides. Ryan ordered the brisket. I wish I had enough room to poach some of his. There was so much food, I could barely finish my entree. Only thing I could have changed about the meal was I thought the ribs were a little well done. Don't worry folks, I still ate them all.
Brett and Steph

Ryan's brisket and Stella. Nom Nom Nom

The service was great. Our waitress was on point with recommendations, didn't push us or leave us hanging. She always seemed to know when we need more beers or shots. We each ordered two snake bites and two captain on acids. I'll know next time to stick with beer. They were literally in shot glasses. When we've ordered them at other bars and there was always so much liquid it was hard to swallow all of it at one time.

Nate Myers & the Aces
Nate Myers started playing promptly at 8 p.m. They were great. How many times do you get to hear some play the harmonica well? The whole band rocked it for hours. People were dancing, Steph and I chair danced too. Spent too much money. It was a freakin awesome night.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Things...I like

1. I love my dogs. I got them from the Humane Society. I wouldn’t give them up for the world. Therefore, I would like to request to the TV people that they cannot play any more dog or cat commercials from Sarah McLaughlin. I’ve done my duty. I don’t need to see your commercial without feeling as if I have to run out and adopt 13 more dogs and 10 cats. Thank you.

Sophie, diligently watching me go pee

Jada, very sleepy Jada

2. I like telling baggers or ringer-uppers to have a great day. I don't just say have a good day, but have a great day. I think it makes their day. And most of them are honestly surprised I’m not a total asshole like the rest of the people in line behind me.

3. I really like getting the trash out on time. I know the trash comes Thursday morning. I could certainly put it out the night before, but that would be way too hard. I hear the trash trucks in the morning and totally freak out because WE forgot to put the trash out. If not this week, hopefully I remember for next week.

4. Showing up to work before everyone else. I usually do that most days. But I think it’s great that my coworkers have no idea if I’ve been working hard for a half hour or five minutes.

5. I like having days off work. Isn’t that a given for most people? Totally. But I’ve been at my job for a long time, so I get a lot of time off. I TAKE A LOT OF TIME OFF.

6. I love Adele. I guess you realized that if you paid attention to my other post. I don’t like that the tickets to see her are like $400.00 apiece. Yikes. I didn’t know I had to take out a loan to see the girl perform.

7. Fall. My fav time of year. Nice days and cool nights. Perfect hot tubbing weather. Love the crunching of the leaves as I walk through my neighbors nice pile and fuck it all up.

8. Barry White. And when I say his name even in my head, I try to lower my voice to the level of smoothness he possessed. I think my voice sounds a little like a drag queen when I do this. His songs are sexy time songs. All of them.

9. When I let someone pull out in front of my car and the driver waves to thank me. I don’t care if you totally cut me off within an inch of slamming into my car. Your waving is all the thank you I need. And I appreciate it.

10. Love listening to opera music in my car. I try to sing with it. Which makes me sound like I’m dying a painful death, but it’s fun.

11. I like the silence I get when I tell people my last name over the phone. There’s always a pause or a chuckle. My last name has a part of the body that rhymes with MONER. No one like to say my last name or they will intentionally say it incorrectly after I’ve spelled in out for them. It’s a freaking riot.

If you don't know what rhymes with MONER. I can't help you in life.  

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Girl Crush Alert

I have a girl crush. The singer Adele. I could pretty much listen to her all day. I just heard about her a couple months ago. I was like DAAAAMN…who is this voice? It’s so sultry... Her voice reminds me of the old time singers like Rosemary Clooney and Etta James. I’m in love with all the old blues singers. I just imagine listening to Muddy Waters live back in the day. Music was so alive. So romantic, and sexy, and dirty all at the same time. There wasn’t some dude in the background saying we need a retake!

Adele makes me want get dressed up in a slinky get up and wear smokey eye shadow with red lipstick. Her music makes me want to dance in some dirty bar with dim lights. Where they have small tables cramped together with little candles melting on the tables. A dance floor where everyone has to be close, not these big nightclubs with three floors.

I also love the fact that she isn’t some little skinny chick with blond hair. I am NOT a skinny person hater. I just love that Adele is a normal size person.

I love Jennifer Hudson. She was a big girl that turned into a skinny mini. Weight Watchers has got to be loving her right now. They probably think she’s the second coming of Christ.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Steals and Deals

I frequent the thrift shops often because I love cheap clothes. I don't mean I like clothes that don't hold up, but I'm hard on my clothes. If I'm not falling down my driveway ripping jeans, I'm running into the corners of doors or tables and tearing holes in my shirts. Plus any time I have a nice pair of shoes, Jada, supposedly the good dog, gnaws on them.

Ryan would say to me, maybe you should put your things away and that wouldn't happen, or maybe you should look where you're walking. I would agree that opening my eyes and putting my shit away would work. But I'm not organized, and I don't walk with my eyes.

Before I delve into my finds from Community Aid, (thrift store in Mechanicsburg, PA), I must first tell you about the clothes that I wear. I have pretty much three separate categories of clothes, work clothes, evening and weekend clothes, and around the house clothes. Yeah, I own a few nice dresses for weddings and such, but pretty much everything else falls into the three categories.

1. Work Clothes. These are the clothes I wear Monday-Friday, if I decide to work a full week. Pretty Plain Jane, but hey, it's work. Nothing too revealing and of course no boobs showing! I know I wear the same things week in and week out. There have been times that I've worn the same shirt twice in a week. I didn't mean to do it! I just saw a clean shirt in my closet and slapped it on.

I've had a dramatic drop in the amount of work shirts I wear to work. With my tattoo, shirts that would normally be ok for work have ceased to exist. This then leads me to shop more. But the more I go to the store, the more tops I find for non-work purposes. Which then leads me to shop more. Vicious cycle. So vicious.

2. Home Clothes. Miss-matched stuff. Hot pink sweat pants, wacky lounging dresses. Workout clothes fall into this category as well. I wear them even though I don't really work out. I do try to go out in public with these on sometimes. Ryan will usually try to step in and stop me from doing so. He'll say are you really wearing that? I'm like yeah? Ummm....Silence.

3. Going Out Clothes. Shirts that have funny sayings and ones that show a lot of cleavage, not necessarily on the same top. I can't help it. My boobs are the size of your head. You say to yourself, but wait I have a really big head. Well, I say to you, my boobs are still bigger than your really big head. I didn't ask for them, believe me. Any shirt or blouse that has even an inch of a V-cut shows off my boobs and a cavernous amount of cleavage. I do have a few skirts I wear; all of them not appropriate for the work place. Plus, my legs are always too bruised or cut up to be wearing skirts at work.

Pair this up with some gaudy jewelry
and some black boots. We will have a
If I didn't have a tattoo this
would be a work shirt

All jokes aside, I'll have to show you my steals from the thrift store. I know that I made out because the one dress is normally priced at $69.50! How do I know this you ask? The stinking dress still had the tag on it.
I got it for $10.00.
I spent a total of $21.00 on everything.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Rita's Rules for Driving-NSFW

I am an angry driver. I admit that. I typically drive a little bit over the speed limit. I'm not saying that I drive aggressively, but I get angry in the car at people that are driving like fucking retards. That's right I swore. I'm going to continue to swear throughout the whole post because that's what happens while I'm driving around other drivers. I actually scare my husband with my swearing while driving. I don't understand why it upsets him that I swear so much in the car. I swear in almost every sentence outside of work.

Below is my list of pet peeves, WTF's, and why don't yous, in no particular order.

1. I got this first one from Becky, never pull out in front of or cut someone off if their car is not as nice as yours. Excellent point. I drive a shitty little Saturn. If I pull out in front of a Lexus, do you think they want to slam in the back of my bumper? Fuck no! They know, and I know their car costs a hell of a lot more to fix than mine. But ultimately remember, that you shouldn't ever cut off a Chevy S-10 from 1987. First off, I'll be lucky if the guy even has insurance. Second, that vehicle is probably still made of metal; it will fuck my car up and leave not a scratch on the S-10.

2a. Flicking people off while driving. I'm sort of steering away from this. I used to be a big proponent of flicking someone off after they did something ridiculous and possibly mouth to them that I will kill everyone in their car if I ever see them again. I've been known to slow down and roll my window to scream how much of a dumbass they are. My friend Alisha has told me instead of flicking off someone, that I should give them the "thumbs up". I like that a lot. However, in the course of my road rage I haven't always been able to do that.

The first time I remembered to give the thumbs up to someone, I was so excited. I can't even tell you what it was about. Nevertheless, I distinctly remember rolling down my window, sticking my arm out at the person and giving him the thumbs up, and giving him a great big smile. It was really empowering. Anyone can give you the finger. The finger doesn't even affect me. I laugh in the face of the finger. But a thumbs up really makes me feel like a dumbass. You can also do a thumbs down. I think doing a thumbs up and turning it down just like a Roman would before a death in a gladiator arena is a freakishly awesome move.

2b. I also got this from Becky. No flicking people off within in a five-mile radius of work. You should never shit where you eat. I eat at work, therefore no poop please. What is the worst thing besides an accident? Flicking some doosh bag off because he totally didn't use his turn signal (another pet peeve of mine) and you give him the ol' number one gun salute, only to have him follow you back to your job. Then you have to help him. Doesn't increase your standing of getting a raise.

3. What the fuck is up with peeps not using their turn signals? Yes, I understand that you maybe in the turning lane, but as we all know that does not guarantee that you will turn. Maybe you'll merge back into the straight lane. I don't fucking know! Just use it, cops can pull you over for anything; don't let it be for not using your turn signal. Ask yourself, how hard is it to hit the little lever on your steering wheel? Is it so fucking hard that you may not be able to turn the wheel then? Are you so lazy that you can't expend a little bit of energy to do that? You seem to be able to text with your hands and eat a cheeseburger all while driving, yet you can't seem to use your turn signal. You do not win.

4. For the love of god, please do not use the passing lane on the highway to go exactly 55.5 mph when the person in the slow lane is going 55 mph. If you want me to murder you, keep doing that. Get the fuck over please! Don't you know I need to get to wherever I'm going fast! Fast damn it!
5. Do not tailgate me. If you ride my ass like a donkey, I promise I will be one of those people in number four. I will purposefully drive like the asshole you are making me be. I will go slow and make sure you cannot pass. EVER. Accordingly, if I'm riding your ass, it means get the fuck out of the way. Literally, I need you to pull over and get the fuck out of my way.

6. Merging. Let's look at the dictionary definition: to combine, blend, or unite gradually so as to blur the individuality or individual identity of: They voted to merge the two branch offices into a single unit.

Do you know how to do that? Because I think 75% of people do not. I drive on two different highways sometimes four times a day going back and forth from work. It never ceases to amaze me at how many people stop at the end of the merge lane. How the fuck are you supposed to merge with traffic if traffic is going 55 and you are going 0.0??? It's called merging for a fucking reason, you blend in with oncoming traffic at the rate of speed the traffic is going.

7. Driving drunk or buzzed driving. Now, I can't come out and actually condone drunk driving. But if you have to do it, make sure you have both hands on the wheel at the 4 and 8 o'clock position of the steering wheel. Ryan's dad taught me that. It totally works. If you have your hand at the top of the wheel and you pass out or sneeze, you are going to swerve or even worse wreck. Then you have to run away from the scene of the accident. Doesn't help with five-o.

8. The best time to drive home after drinking is during the day. You can see the road!! As long as your eyes are open. Not that I've ever done this, but I heard it's so much easier.

OK, I think I have the rules that are most important, with less swearing than I thought I would have to put in the post. Do you have any rules that need to be added?

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Apple Trees and Lonely Roads

I love apple trees. I think they are a very interesting species of tree. If you ever seen them in the winter they are especially creepy. For the past three years I've been driving by this orchard on the way to my friends. This is the first time I actually got out and took some pictures.

I'm always so jealous how every god damn person who takes a pic, it looks so damn artsy and cool. Well F U guys. I can do artsy and cool, with all my different photo apps on my phone and computer.

It took me like three and half hours to pick which ones I actually wanted to put up here. I had some taken by camera and some by my phone. Photo apps on my phone are awesome, but how can I figure out the awesome ones on a 3 x 4 inch screen? There was a lot of uploading, downloading, sideloading (I don't know what sideloading is, but it needed to be in there) from computer to phone back to computer.

I'm happy with the pictures; you should love them as well. Can't wait til winter to get pictures without their leaves.


Saturday, September 17, 2011

Ladies Night/Book Club

Lisa, Cami, Becky, Heather, Me, & Dawn
Last night was book club/ladies night/wine drinking/good food eating. The girls and I went to Becky's house for a great night. Becky had many dishes that included jalapenos from her garden. I made pasta salad.

My pasta salad:

Rotini Pasta
1 of each, green, orange, red, yellow bell pepper
1 Cucumber
1 Medium red onion
1 block of sharp cheddar cheese
A bunch of cherry tomatoes
Wishbone Italian dressing
Some Italian seasoning

The pasta salad was really easy to make. Just cook the pasta, chop up the veggies and the cheese and mix it with the dressing. Of course, I had to taste test to make sure it was delish! I had to use some Italian seasoning at the end, I thought it was missing a little pizazz. But the seasoning brought it to life. Nom nom.

Becky & Cami

We drank and laughed and drank some more. Pearl, Becky's dog, stole the scene. She is such a little cutie. I would like a dog the size of her next time around.

Heather's Super Delish Cake

Heather's cake was to die for. She said she made it a couple days prior. It was chocolaty, creamy, and oreo-ey. I could have nommed on that all night. Too bad it was at the end of the dinner. I was so full by the time this baby came out.

Dawn brought Becky some beautiful flowers. However, they had a monster spider in them. I kept looking at this one spot on the green part of the plant. I'm like hmmmm....why is that piece of plant moving? AGH!!!! I had to jump back and Becky and I had Dawn remove the intruder. She actually picked the spider up with her bare hands. BARE HANDS! That little bastard should have been killed. I'm pretty sure he's going to come back and kill us all in our sleep.

Friday, September 16, 2011

A to Z

Somewhere on this A-Z list should have been a question about my fav beverage.

I thought I would have some fun and give my A to Zs that I found on Becky's blog. Enjoy and continue with your own lists!

A. Age: 31

B. Bed Size: King, and if I could have a bigger one, I would. Two dogs def take up a lot of sleeping area.
C. Chore that I hate: Laundry, I suck at it. I’m a generally bad cleaner, sloppy person all around. If I could just have someone trail behind me as I leave my tornado-like path of destruction that would rock.

D. Dogs: Jada and Sophie.

E. Essential start to your day: Breakfast. I’m an absolute bitch until I get something in my belly.

F. Favorite color: Blue.

G. Gold or Silver: Either, although I can’t really afford gold.

H. Height: 5'4”

I. Instruments you play: I used to play the violin, but my parents and the teacher thought it would be a good idea for me to play right handed, even though I’m a lefty. Didn’t last long.

J. Job Title: Community Development Secretary.

K. Kids: No thank you. I got dogs, which is a responsibility in itself.

L. Live: Central Pennsylvania.

M. Mother's name: Leslie

N. Nicknames: Riverrita, Peeta, Pickle, Bitch. I don’t go around calling myself bitch, but I’m pretty sure some people may have used that as a nickname for me.

O. Overnight hospital stays: Kidney infection. Totally sucked, and it was on a weekend. Why couldn’t I have missed work or something?

P. Pet peeves: Not using your turn signal. I don’t care if there isn’t a car around for miles. Use it!

Q. Quote from a movie: I do, but I can’t remember anything right now.

R. Right or Left: Left

S. Siblings: My brother.

T. Time you wake up: 6:00 a.m. regardless of weekday or weekend thanks to hungry dogs.

U. Underwear: Yes.

V. Vegetable you hate: Lima beans. They taste like mush.

W. What makes you run late: I don’t really run late. Sometimes I run super early. My husband thinks I’ll be late, but I always end up early or on time.

X. X-Rays you've had: Teeth, back, ankle/foot.  

Y. Yummy food you make: Brownies, and mashed or sautéed potatoes. Nom Nom. 

Z. Zoo animal: Owls. I think that is my animal doppelganger.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

All about Moi

Ugh....where do I start? There's so much to say, only so much time to tell it. My name is Rita. I'm 31 with no kids, two dogs, one husband. I live in a wonderfully quiet neighborhood where old people seem to be the norm. I gotta tell ya, my husband and I are probably the loudest on the block. Me screaming at the dogs to get back in the house, my husband Ryan screaming at me to stop screaming at the dogs.

I'm a loud person by nature. My voice carries. I don't have a quiet voice. My one dog Sophie actually gets quite concerned when I laugh. I think she believes I'm in pain or I'm dying. She comes immediately to try to "rescue" me. If she covers me in kisses, I gotta stop making noise right?

I've blogged before, but I gotta be honest I sounded pretty much like a bitch, well a satirical bitch at least. I constantly complained about work, in a funny way, but seriously I don't want to get fired for something I write on the world wide web. Do they even call it that anymore?

Anyhow, who wants to hear about my life? I totally wholeheartedly think you do. And I'm gonna tell you. Whether you like it or not. Here goes!