Potty Rules

I was asked an oddball question after several adult beverages this past weekend about how I decide what public bathroom stall I use. I had such a long explanation; I thought what better way to describe my bodily functions than in a blog!

First off, I have a fear of going to the bathroom in public…period. Toilets in general are much cleaner than cell phones, telephones, and apples from the grocery store. We touch a gross amount of stuff every day, and then we shake hands and don’t see anything wrong with this. In my younger years, I was like a camel, holding my bladder once for 16 hours while I was at Six Flags because I was totally creeped out by the potties. Now that I’m older, my bladder has the functionality of a 60 year old. I have a glass of water. I have to pee.

Scenario #1. You are in a multiple stall bathroom, like the movie theater and there is someone in one stall already, where do you go? Good question. If the bathroom isn’t filled with other pottiers I will certainly NOT pick the bathroom stall next to the one that already has a person in it. I don’t care if this is a golden toilet and there’s a hot guy waiting to wipe my ass for me. In fact, at all costs I always go for the handicapped stall. It’s a bigger bathroom and has more room to maneuver.

Scenario #2. Bathroom with multiple stalls is filled with lots of people. Shit. I just look for the stall that isn’t filled with toilet paper, tinkle on the seat, or poo clogging up the toilet. There is usually squatting involved because I’m afraid. Many times, I will actually try to plug my ears and hum so I don’t hear the other people going to the bathroom. I pretend I’m alone and there’s classical music and a waterfall in the background.

Scenario #3 I’m at work. Ugh….I believe I have the same “schedule” as another woman in the office. We have a two-stall bathroom and I swear every time I go to go, she is also going. I’m constantly running into her or opening the door and bam! there she is washing her hands. I’m sure that she has noticed this as well. We’ve both been working here for over ten years. Do I make small talk? Do I just pretend I don’t see you? Just say hey and look at the floor as I bypass her to the stall? I have pee stage fright, so how am I even going to be able to go while she is just two inches of plywood away? I’ve actually started looking around the corner at her desk to see if she’s there. If not, I’ll wait.

Scenario #4 Bathroom stall lock is broke. I simultaneously hold the door with one hand or foot while squatting. It’s a good exercise for my thighs and balance issues.

Scenario #5 OMG there is no toilet paper in my stall. Why have the Gods cursed me?!? Why didn’t I check before I unzipped my pants? What is wrong with me! ARGH! I’m pretty sure you can hear me swear at this time. If it’s a multiple stall bathroom I will ask to spare a square from anyone. If there’s no one around, I am not below waddling to another stall to get more TP. Yes, my pants will be down and I will be bent over in an odd position. I’m thinking please do not let anyone see me like this.

 

Scenario #6 This part gets a little trickier. And if you don’t want to continue reading, I completely understand. Doing Number 2 in public is a hairy situation to say the least. I personally try to avoid it all costs. AT ALL COSTS. But sometimes it happens. Like when you are shopping or driving. This is serious bad news. I call it shopping shit or driving shit. There you are minding your own business and then WHAM! Rumbles in the bumble or thunder down under. You try desperately to suck it back in, maybe it's just some farts. But you know when you're in the middle of the grocery store you can't just leave your cart and go home. There isn't enough time!


You swiftly speed walk to the nearest stall, hoping that scenarios 1-5 are not occuring. There's nothing worse than doing a Number 2 while there are other people around in the public bathroom.


My recommendation is to flush the toilet immediately that way the noise muffles any bodily sounds. Meanwhile, you pray that the toilet doesn't overflow with no plunger in sight.

Coakley's = Meh.

Last night Ryan and I had dinner at Coakley's Restaurant and Irish Pub in New Cumberland, PA. Coakley's is about three miles away from our house, but we rarely go there to eat. The service of the wait staff is always outstanding. The are friendly and prompt. The menu online does not reflect what they actually serve. It does give most of the items, but what we had is not on their online menu.

We ordered the crab pretzel for an appetizer. It was really good. Very cheesy and had some crab in it. Could have used a little more crab.

We each ordered a burger topped with crab meat and cheese. I asked the server if anything else comes on it. He said that it's good enough as it is. Coolio. I love when servers give recommendations, it makes me think he actually gives a shit about getting a tip.

This is what came out. The fries were a little on the yellow/brown side. The were still really crispy. I ordered the burger medium and that is exactly how it came out. However, the crab that was supposed to be on there was pretty much non-existent. I peeled the cheese off and there was nothing impressive.

Where is the crab again?

We both used the Heinz ketchup, but Ryan was convinced that it was not really Heinz. We both looked at the ketchup a little harder and agreed it was more brown than the Heinz brand. This led him to go on a five minute rant about how shitty it was. Me on the other hand kept shoving fries into my mouth.

I was unable to finish all the food, so we packed the burger to go. The bill came to $30.00, now I purchased a $15 half off deal from Living Social. So, we paid on $15 for the meal and we tipped the server $10. When we left we saw the cooks outside smoking. Let's just say they didn't look like the type of cooks that love to cook. Needless to say we won't be back for dinner again. This was the second meh time we ate there. Sad biz indeed. Sad biz.

What I've Learned-Blogtoberfest 2011

I have learned a lot from the Blogtoberfest 2011. I like blogging, but I really don't put out good material everyday. I'm more of 2-3 times a week kind of girl. I like to blog when I've done something fun or I need to rant for a bit.

I have found it is hard to read other people's blog because I'm so darn busy with my own. I'm neglecting part of the reason for blogging. Connecting with other people. I feel like I have been just throwing shit at the wall to throw shit at the wall.

I'm not upset with myself for doing the every day blog thing. I think it was a good exercise to get me in the habit of blogging. It's very easy for me to stop doing something. That could be a good or a bad thing, I don't know which one.

Some nights I would work on the blog for 4-5 hours. I'd post it and then it was time for bed. Sometimes, I'd want to continue on a thought but for lack of time I would just hurry up and finish. In my mind that's not what I want to put out to the world. I love to draw badly. It takes a lot more time to draw than it does to do the actual writing part. I'm a sinister lefty. But all the computer companies have made me conform to using a mouse right handed. I can do that fine. Try using a mouse pad to draw a picture with your non-dominate hand. Good luck.

Now that the month is over, I can focus on putting out what I think is quality. And if I can't come with anything, I will post pictures of my cute dogs.

Winter, Wedding, and a Halloween Party

This was the beginning of the storm

Wow what a weekend. We had a large amount of snow fall in our area and were out of power for about nine hours. The house was extremely cold. As in let's all snuggle together so we don't freeze cold. Ok, maybe not that cold but the house was 58 degrees. I like it that cold when I've just worked out in the sun for about twenty minutes. Luckily, we weren't home too much yesterday. We had a wedding and an awesome Halloween party to attend.

I really feel weird about posting pictures of people without their permission. But since a lot of the peeps dressed up, I don't feel too doucheee about it. I went as a Greaser Girl and Ryan went as a Mexican. (Insert several jokes here.)

Yeah, we know we look goofy. But who cares? It was a freakin miracle we even made it to the wedding. It snowed. A lot. Who ordered up snow for Halloween? I certainly didn't. And if this was anything but a wedding our asses would have stayed home. But guess what? It was a wedding, and we drove in the middle of the snow storm to watch our friend's Amanda and Jason tie the knot. No six inches of snow would stop us.

Mad Hatter

The Bride and Elvis. Please note the Devil is the best man.

It was a great wedding. It actually had to start late due to all the snow. It went off without a hitch. I am so happy for them both. Right after the wedding, we left to race home let the dogs out and head on out to the next party.

The next party was crazy awesome. Ryan and I didn't know many people there, so I just took a lot of pictures of the decorations. Again, I feel odd asking strangers for their photo op for my blog that they won't read. The party throwers had professional DJ Ray Rossi and a bartender. The decorations were scary. They were great!

DJ Ray Rossi and The Mexican

This dude was the scariest

Jive Turkeys

I was late coming back from work today. It was like 5 minutes late, but I have a really good reason. Jive turkeys were in my way. There were about 8 of them just hanging out in the middle of the road. I have proof.

They were literally hanging out in the middle of the street. At first I thought to myself, what the hell is that? Then I slowly as possible tried to get my darn camera phone out to take their pictures. As you can clearly see, I'm slow as shit.

They didn't want move out of the way. I had to creep my car up and beep the horn. I did manage to get a couple shots of them  in the brush. They were in no hurry and didn't seem to mind me.

What goes on in my brain during the day?-NSFW

If I were an asshole, I would post things all the time on Facebook that just pop up in my head. However, I’m pretty sure that you don’t want to know what is in my head at all times. After typing this all out I realize I really like having off. That's pretty much all I've deduced.

This is what I would post on a normal day if I had free reign and I didn’t think you would block me from verbally vomming on your page.

6:00 OMG Why am I awake?

6:02 OMG Why is that dog crying? (Sophie the asshole) Is it ok to murder dogs? Check with Michael Vick later.

6:03 Feeding the dogs. Why can’t they feed themselves again?

6:08 Fuck it’s dark out, why am I up again? Maybe I should take the day off.

6:09 I must go to the bathroom or there is going to be a puddle.

6:12 Coffee, where is my fucking coffee? If I don’t get some coffee, my head is going to explode.

6:15 Hmmmm…nothing in the fridge. Fuck. Guess I’ll check Facebook.

6:20 Shower time! Holy shit this water is hot.

6:30 OMG what am I going to wear to work? I don’t think I’ve worn this shit this week. I’ll put it on.

6:40 Makeup time. Man, do I ever look tired. Maybe I should take the day off and watch Law and Order.

6:45 I don’t want to leave the house! Why am I not rich? Oh, that’s right, I don’t play the lottery and I married for love. Fuck. Note to self, next marriage will be only for money.

6:50 Getting into my car sucks, it’s still dark out and shit I need gas. Can I make it to work on E? Maybe…..

6:55 I hate touching the gas pump handle. I am positive it was dipped in shit so that I get E. Coli. I’m going to rush to the bathroom to wash my hands. I hate touching that stuff!

7:00-7:15 I hate people. Don’t they know how to fucking drive? For the love of humanity, stop driving 25 mph!

7:15 Awesome I’m at work. I can get a couple of things done before anyone is around.

7:20-7:40 Well, there went me doing extra work. Someone else is here before me and now they are talking my ear off. I don’t come early to chitchat!

7:40-9:00 Maybe I should take the afternoon off. That would be freakin awesome. I love having off. Do I have to pee? Yes, I do.

9:05 I’m listening to an irate woman try to put words in my mouth. I’m starting to get mouthy with her. Must transfer her to someone who makes more money than me.

9:15 Why is this woman still trying to argue with me? Doesn’t she know I don’t give a shit? Of course, no one is around to save me from this phone call. I think I’ll put her on hold.

9:16 Irate woman hangs up, calls back, and refuses to speak to me. Yes! She is finally transferred to someone who makes more money than me.

9:17 Finally, I get to go pee! Yeah. Peeing my pants at work would probably be embarrassing. I have not done that yet. I would put that up with crying at work.

10:00 I think I’ll eat the apple that’s been sitting here on my desk for about three days. Doesn’t taste great, but I keep eating it.

10:50 Lunch in ten minutes, awesome.
10:51 Lunch in nine minutes, awesome.
10:52 Lunch in eight minutes, awesome.
10:53 Lunch in seven minutes, awesome.
10:54 Lunch in six minutes, awesome.
10:55 Lunch in five minutes, awesome.
10:56 Lunch in four minutes, awesome.
10:57 Lunch in three minutes, awesome.
10:58 Lunch in two minutes, awesome.
10:59 Lunch in one minute, awesome.

11:00 OMG it’s freakin time for lunch! I cannot wait to go home and see the babes! Man, I hope Jada didn’t eat Dude.

11:05 People do know how to merge today! It is a fucking miracle.

11:20 Woot, I’m home! Time to see the babes!

11:25 Fuckin neighbor, let’s his dog out so Sophie can try to kill it through fence. Screaming ensues to bring all dogs back in the house before the neighbor's dog dies.

11:26 Eat whatever is available. I have an audience praying for something to drop.

11:40 Pack my shit up and head out the door. Not before putting the asshole back in her cage (Sophie). Maybe I should just call in to work and tell them I’m taking off the rest of the day. I could totally take a nap right now.

11:45 Back in the shit-mobile. I hope this car doesn't crap out on me on the highway.

11:50 OMG! People need to learn how to fuckin merge. I guess I can’t expect greatness all the time. Sigh.

11:55 Does anyone know how to fuckin sing anymore? Why does everyone sound like shit? Man, I’m getting old; time to listen to Opera.

12:00 Pull in to my parking lot. Fuck….I should call in and tell them I’m taking the rest of the day off. I could go to Salvation Army! It’s half price day!

12:05 Walking back in the office to see people waiting to talk to me. Meh….

12:15 Work work work work work work work work. Meh.

1:00 I am still diligently working! Hollah! I’m usually a really good worker in the morning. I must be crazy.

1:30 Do I have to pee again? Maybe, but I’d like to look at myself in the mirror. I’m going to head to the bathroom again. Note to self, drink more water.

1:33 (In the bathroom) I wonder if someone outside the door can hear me pee? Must wash hands to the happy birthday song. Look in the mirror make sure there isn’t anything stuck in my teeth. It’s time to fix my boobs too, gotta make sure they are even.

2:30 Hmmmmm… I could go for an afternoon snack. Let’s look for some change in my purse. Oh, there’s none of course, but there’s a yogurt that I forgot to put in the fridge this morning. I guess that’s going in the trash. Fuck.

3:30 The countdown to leaving begins. Actually, it began at 6:01 this morning.

3:31-3:45 Accidentally, start daydreaming. I imagine that I am rich and I’m telling people to fuck off. Repeatedly.

4:00 I wonder if I should leave work early. I mean it’s a half hour, I could totally go home and hang out with the dogs.

4:05 People are talking to me again about things that I don’t care about!

4:20 Leaving in ten minutes, awesome.
4:21 Leaving in nine minutes, awesome.
4:22 Leaving in eight minutes, awesome.
4:23 Leaving in seven minutes, awesome.
4:24 Leaving in six minutes, awesome.
4:25 Leaving in five minutes, awesome.
4:26 Leaving in four minutes, awesome.
4:27 Leaving in three minutes, awesome.
4:28 Leaving in two minutes, awesome.
4:29 Leaving in one minute, awesome.

4:30 OMG it’s freakin time to leave! I cannot wait to go home and see the babes and Ryan! Man, I hope Jada didn’t eat Dude.

I'm trying to sleep! F*&K!

It never ceases to amaze me when I read these articles about couples sleeping together. I don't mean doin it together, I mean the part after the man passes out on top of you and you have to push him off so you don't get drooled on. For the record, I am not saying this ever happens to me after sex.

I don't like to be touched while sleeping. I don't like to be breathed on while sleeping. I certainly do not want you facing me stealing all my oxygen!

I'm looking at these positions and shuddering in horror. Do I have to sleep like that to be a good wife? If I'm not snuggled right beside Ryan does this mean we're not in a good relationship? Whatever happened to just sleeping so I don't act like an asshole the next day to my coworkers? Why do these experts think we need to hang all over each other to be good partners while we are awake? I personally think it's to fill up magazine space so I can freak out over what I'm not doing right in my marriage.

I say fuck that. I don't need to worry about fucking up my relationship with my husband while I'm sleeping, I got that covered during the day. Just kidding, my marriage is the shiznit. But here's a hand drawn sample of what we look like when we are sleeping.

Literally, Ryan is probably smiling and I am grimacing. And my eyes turn into x's when I'm mad.