Wednesday, October 26, 2011

What goes on in my brain during the day?-NSFW

If I were an asshole, I would post things all the time on Facebook that just pop up in my head. However, I’m pretty sure that you don’t want to know what is in my head at all times. After typing this all out I realize I really like having off. That's pretty much all I've deduced.

This is what I would post on a normal day if I had free reign and I didn’t think you would block me from verbally vomming on your page.

6:00 OMG Why am I awake?

6:02 OMG Why is that dog crying? (Sophie the asshole) Is it ok to murder dogs? Check with Michael Vick later.

6:03 Feeding the dogs. Why can’t they feed themselves again?

6:08 Fuck it’s dark out, why am I up again? Maybe I should take the day off.

6:09 I must go to the bathroom or there is going to be a puddle.

6:12 Coffee, where is my fucking coffee? If I don’t get some coffee, my head is going to explode.

6:15 Hmmmm…nothing in the fridge. Fuck. Guess I’ll check Facebook.

6:20 Shower time! Holy shit this water is hot.

6:30 OMG what am I going to wear to work? I don’t think I’ve worn this shit this week. I’ll put it on.

6:40 Makeup time. Man, do I ever look tired. Maybe I should take the day off and watch Law and Order.

6:45 I don’t want to leave the house! Why am I not rich? Oh, that’s right, I don’t play the lottery and I married for love. Fuck. Note to self, next marriage will be only for money.

6:50 Getting into my car sucks, it’s still dark out and shit I need gas. Can I make it to work on E? Maybe…..

6:55 I hate touching the gas pump handle. I am positive it was dipped in shit so that I get E. Coli. I’m going to rush to the bathroom to wash my hands. I hate touching that stuff!

7:00-7:15 I hate people. Don’t they know how to fucking drive? For the love of humanity, stop driving 25 mph!

7:15 Awesome I’m at work. I can get a couple of things done before anyone is around.

7:20-7:40 Well, there went me doing extra work. Someone else is here before me and now they are talking my ear off. I don’t come early to chitchat!

7:40-9:00 Maybe I should take the afternoon off. That would be freakin awesome. I love having off. Do I have to pee? Yes, I do.

9:05 I’m listening to an irate woman try to put words in my mouth. I’m starting to get mouthy with her. Must transfer her to someone who makes more money than me.

9:15 Why is this woman still trying to argue with me? Doesn’t she know I don’t give a shit? Of course, no one is around to save me from this phone call. I think I’ll put her on hold.

9:16 Irate woman hangs up, calls back, and refuses to speak to me. Yes! She is finally transferred to someone who makes more money than me.

9:17 Finally, I get to go pee! Yeah. Peeing my pants at work would probably be embarrassing. I have not done that yet. I would put that up with crying at work.

10:00 I think I’ll eat the apple that’s been sitting here on my desk for about three days. Doesn’t taste great, but I keep eating it.

10:50 Lunch in ten minutes, awesome.
10:51 Lunch in nine minutes, awesome.
10:52 Lunch in eight minutes, awesome.
10:53 Lunch in seven minutes, awesome.
10:54 Lunch in six minutes, awesome.
10:55 Lunch in five minutes, awesome.
10:56 Lunch in four minutes, awesome.
10:57 Lunch in three minutes, awesome.
10:58 Lunch in two minutes, awesome.
10:59 Lunch in one minute, awesome.

11:00 OMG it’s freakin time for lunch! I cannot wait to go home and see the babes! Man, I hope Jada didn’t eat Dude.

11:05 People do know how to merge today! It is a fucking miracle.

11:20 Woot, I’m home! Time to see the babes!

11:25 Fuckin neighbor, let’s his dog out so Sophie can try to kill it through fence. Screaming ensues to bring all dogs back in the house before the neighbor's dog dies.

11:26 Eat whatever is available. I have an audience praying for something to drop.

11:40 Pack my shit up and head out the door. Not before putting the asshole back in her cage (Sophie). Maybe I should just call in to work and tell them I’m taking off the rest of the day. I could totally take a nap right now.

11:45 Back in the shit-mobile. I hope this car doesn't crap out on me on the highway.

11:50 OMG! People need to learn how to fuckin merge. I guess I can’t expect greatness all the time. Sigh.

11:55 Does anyone know how to fuckin sing anymore? Why does everyone sound like shit? Man, I’m getting old; time to listen to Opera.

12:00 Pull in to my parking lot. Fuck….I should call in and tell them I’m taking the rest of the day off. I could go to Salvation Army! It’s half price day!

12:05 Walking back in the office to see people waiting to talk to me. Meh….

12:15 Work work work work work work work work. Meh.

1:00 I am still diligently working! Hollah! I’m usually a really good worker in the morning. I must be crazy.

1:30 Do I have to pee again? Maybe, but I’d like to look at myself in the mirror. I’m going to head to the bathroom again. Note to self, drink more water.

1:33 (In the bathroom) I wonder if someone outside the door can hear me pee? Must wash hands to the happy birthday song. Look in the mirror make sure there isn’t anything stuck in my teeth. It’s time to fix my boobs too, gotta make sure they are even.

2:30 Hmmmmm… I could go for an afternoon snack. Let’s look for some change in my purse. Oh, there’s none of course, but there’s a yogurt that I forgot to put in the fridge this morning. I guess that’s going in the trash. Fuck.

3:30 The countdown to leaving begins. Actually, it began at 6:01 this morning.

3:31-3:45 Accidentally, start daydreaming. I imagine that I am rich and I’m telling people to fuck off. Repeatedly.

4:00 I wonder if I should leave work early. I mean it’s a half hour, I could totally go home and hang out with the dogs.

4:05 People are talking to me again about things that I don’t care about!

4:20 Leaving in ten minutes, awesome.
4:21 Leaving in nine minutes, awesome.
4:22 Leaving in eight minutes, awesome.
4:23 Leaving in seven minutes, awesome.
4:24 Leaving in six minutes, awesome.
4:25 Leaving in five minutes, awesome.
4:26 Leaving in four minutes, awesome.
4:27 Leaving in three minutes, awesome.
4:28 Leaving in two minutes, awesome.
4:29 Leaving in one minute, awesome.

4:30 OMG it’s freakin time to leave! I cannot wait to go home and see the babes and Ryan! Man, I hope Jada didn’t eat Dude.

1 comment:

  1. I died laughing out loud at multiple sections of this post. You are ridiculous, lol.