Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Things that freak me out. Irrationally.

Sorry for the rudimentary drawing. Best I could do as a left hander.

1.    Spiders... big, small, medium, I don’t give a shit. You got eight legs. I want you to die. I am totally freaked out by them. I’m pretty sure that I’m going to die by a spider bite while I’m sleeping. They are literally going to all gang up and murder me. On the other hand, they could possibly be waiting for me while I’m about to get in the shower and jump on me. That way when I fall and break my neck no one will ever know it was the spiders. Funny thing is, I do love watching shows about spiders and other creepy bugs (Monster Bug Wars). I guess I have to know thy enemy.

2.    End of the earth by the sun dying/exploding. Yeah, I know this one is far out. I watch all these damn discovery/nature shows that tell me one day very far off (like millions of years) the sun is going to die. Apparently, our sun will start expanding hundreds of thousands of times larger than it already is, first scorching our planet, and then swallowing it up. I promise you I’ll be dead by the time this happens. Unless vampires come to rescue me from death.

3.    Door handles. They are freakin gross. Think about it the next time you go to open a public door. How many times has that been touched by all sort of people? Did they just scratch their crotch? How about pick boogies out of their nose? Then they touched the door handle. Yum Yum….Not! The part of this that's not rational is the fact that I touch a million gross things per day, plus chew on my pens, and this is what I worry about.

4.    Breathing in other people’s exhaled air. This is a two-parter. I hate having meetings in closed rooms. Open that door up and let some fresh air in! You know it’s just a bunch of people repeating the same shit over and over that could have been better explained in an email. Ever been in a meeting and the room gets warm? Too much expelled hot air, i.e. talking.

The second part is breathing in air, mostly from Ryan while we are sleeping. Since I don’t sleep in bed with anyone else he’s the only one freaking me out. He’ll face me and he’s like six inches from my face. He’ll just breathe his hot, hot, hot, breath on me. I’m breathing in his carbon dioxide! I could get brain damage or wake up stupider because I wasn’t getting enough oxygen to my brain. If I have a bad day at work, I’m totally blaming Ryan for stealing my smart air! 

5.    Falling down the upper deck of a stadium. I get major vertigo. I practically have to crawl up the stairs on my hands and knees to get to my seat. It’s quite a ridiculous sight watching me. I'm fine once I sit down, but getting there is the problem. I blame all my expensive ground level seats on this fear.  

6.    Having all the electric power knocked out by a solar flare. Or a meteor fucking up the earth bringing us back to the middle ages. Again, this is quite silly. However, on those damn discovery/science shows they always say how it’s been so long since the earth has experienced anything like that. But scientists are quick to say that earth is due for something catastrophic. That doesn’t really freak me out, but I’m not a farmer. I barely made it through the summer with my tomatoes. How will I last if I don’t know how to farm?!? I’m an extremely bad shot with a gun, so killing things is also out of the picture.
7.    Scary movies. When I was a kid, I used to be able to watch tons of B-horror films, Freddy Kruger and the like. But as I got older, my ability has decreased exponentially. I believe the reason is because most of the shit we watch during these movies can really happen. Literally and truly, happen. Yes, someone is now perverse enough to hang you on a meat hook from your lats and chop your body up from the feet up all while keeping you alive. Sorry, if I gave any new serial killers an idea. I just can’t handle watching shit that people can really do to me. I’m not black, so I know I wouldn't be the first to die, but I’m slow, so there would be a lot of screaming from me. Ugh. The horror. The contrast to this is I do love reading about serial killers and watching those types of documentary shows on A&E. I think the lack of theatrical music and the monotone voice of the narrator let me detach from the violence.

So what kinds of things bug you out? Any of the same things that I have listed? My husband tells me I should stop watching so much TV.

1 comment:

  1. Right there with you on the doorknob thing....I use my shirt to open them.

    Also with you on the end of the world stuff. I try to avoid all the shows, but Jon loves them.

    Oh, and cows.